Originally, written after 8.15.18 and content added to it in May of 2020
So, for a long time I've been teetering on the edge of revelation. Like a flower opens after a storm, that is what I've been asked to do, open to clear the way for new creativity. In the past years since Jim died I've walked a path which has radically diverged from my norm. My life took a turn that I'd not anticipated and requires a different approach. Maybe you've noticed. Maybe you've wondered what's up. I think it's time to come clean and start sharing some of my truth. Maybe you'll find it helpful, maybe you'll completely disagree, but I have to. So, strap yourselves in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride maybe. Life is just that, if we so choose to believe, or it can be a grand adventure full of interesting views and mountain tops full of sunshine and beauty. You choose, it's your life. In this time of great chaos and change, I wake up every day with gratitude and the hope that I choose the later.
Some days, I don't hit the mark and have to allow lots of emotions to just flow through me. Some are from the ancient past and I wonder where the heck those beliefs/thoughts came from...they get saved for further examination and processing. Most of the time I believe that right now, I have everything I need. If I think I don't, then maybe I'd better adjust my perception of what it is I think I need. I still struggle with writing. I wonder why because my third book was just published this month. (8/18, yet I still until this spring of 2020 have fought with creativity) It shouldn't be a problem right? Sometimes, maybe the things we are the best at have to come from such a deep place that it's like giving birth...we have to struggle. Keep trying, keep at it, don't give up, you can't know when a miracle will pop out.
Books and mediation have kept me on track. If interested please ask me what has touched my life...I'll wax poetic about some books rare ability to heal and open the mind. Currently, Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, a book about the Tao is holding space for my mind to catch up with it's life-changing message. Three years ago it was a book about death by Mike Dooley, called, The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell You, given to me by a dear friend, which helped me up my path. However, what was most helpful was the voice in my head which talked to me.
Yeah, I know right? What the heck was that all about. Well, I believe it was Jim helping me with a final message of hope. I was in the shower, angry, terribly sad and alone....but that story, if you haven't already heard it is for another time. Many years of religious belief had in the past made me sensitive to listening to that voice inside. Call it intuition, the Holy Spirit, God, Buddha whatever...I believe we all have access to our inner knowing. We can all hear our higher selves talking. It's whether or not we choose to hear it and then choose to acknowledge and follow that voice that makes the differences in our lives. Belief in a higher, eternal place where our souls come from to spend time on earth as humans, is not a hard belief for me to have. I've been in enough situations, in enough lightening storms on trail to believe that something, some higher someone has my back.
I spent many years in an evangelical, Christian belief system, Since that time, I've felt the need to reconcile some of my beliefs with what I now believe to be true. Of the years, I have been angry, afraid and alone yet determined to follow my path and heart. In some ways, I, also, left the comfort of a personal relationship with a person (although no longer a physical being, Christian belief is that Jesus is a transcended human who came to earth). I have had a hard time with the word, God, as it brings a picture of an eternal being which is old, judgmental and cranky to my mind.
My problem over the past 18 years has been how to bring together those 2 parts of me. I have many wonderful Christian friends who fear for my soul...that is ok and I am grateful for their love and concern. What I most want is to be able to feel love again...to not always be on the alert when that emotion touches my heart. I've read a book lately (thank you Maw-ee) and hung out with my friends over the last year a lot...thus having 'Christian beliefs' in front of my face all the time. After reading this particular book...I had a revelation that really, Spirit has been with me all the time talking to me and this feels like a merging of past and present. No, I am not back to believing what I did prior to my escape from normalcy 18 years ago but I do feel whole again. I remember very distinctly a another time, many years ago, when a HUGE, LOUD voice in my head, for weeks, tried to get me to not go down a certain path. I ignored it and thus have the best kids and grand kids and 'non related' family in the world, well, my world at least.
Life is like a river, or a trail...there is an end goal which we know of but there are many ways to get there. Staying in the main stream will get us there quickly but most of us take some side trails, some alternate channels on our journey. Mine was a pretty big detour, I believe. Today, I asked if somehow those two trails could merge again. Do I still have time and the knowledge to do what I came here to do when I took the long way around? Btw, I have NO regrets...I have enjoyed and loved my varied and rich life and I like who I've become because of all the decisions I have made.
I think I heard the answer. to that question. I am who I am and nothing is ever denied me that is meant for me. So yup, I think there is still time and in some ways this person (me) may be better prepared for these last miles up to Katahdin then before Jim died. In my metaphor of life being like a trail, I've hiked thru all the states and am 10 miles away from my goal. I've endured the rain of loss and grief, the joy of birth, life and love, the mud, slogging this last bit?
We all have that choice...how will we manage today? I know that what I've learned along the way, the fellow travelers I've met will, if allowed, help. I have a little wisdom which when I feel like ending my hike, I remember...you are always better than you believe, you are wiser than you think, stronger than you ever imagined, greater than who you were yesterday. So, let's engage those poles, go into overdrive and push to the top! Are you with me?
