A New Day

Originally, written after 8.15.18 and content added to it in May of 2020

So, for a long time I've been teetering on the edge of revelation.  Like a flower opens after a storm, that is what I've been asked to do, open to clear the way for new creativity.  In the past years since Jim died I've walked a path which has radically diverged from my norm.  My life took a turn that I'd not anticipated and requires a different approach.  Maybe you've noticed.  Maybe you've wondered what's up.  I think it's time to come clean and start sharing some of my truth.  Maybe you'll find it helpful, maybe you'll completely disagree, but I have to.  So, strap yourselves in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride maybe.  Life is just that, if we so choose to believe, or it can be a grand adventure full of interesting views and mountain tops full of sunshine and beauty.  You choose, it's your life.  In this time of great chaos and change, I wake up every day with gratitude and the hope that I choose the later.

Some days, I don't hit the mark and have to allow lots of emotions to just flow through me.  Some are from the ancient past and I wonder where the heck those beliefs/thoughts came from...they get saved for further examination and processing.  Most of the time I believe that right now, I have everything I need.  If I think I don't, then maybe I'd better adjust my perception of what it is I think I need.  I still struggle with writing.  I wonder why because my third book was just published this month. (8/18, yet I still until this spring of 2020 have fought with creativity)  It shouldn't be a problem right?  Sometimes, maybe the things we are the best at have to come from such a deep place that it's like giving birth...we have to struggle.  Keep trying, keep at it, don't give up, you can't know when  a miracle will pop out.

Books and mediation have kept me on track. If interested please ask me what has touched my life...I'll wax poetic about some books rare ability to heal and open the mind.  Currently, Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, a book about the Tao is holding space for my mind to catch up with it's life-changing message.  Three years ago it was a book about death by Mike Dooley, called, The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell You, given to me by a dear friend, which helped me up my path.  However, what was most helpful was the voice in my head which talked to me.

Yeah,  I know right? What the heck was that all about.  Well, I believe it was Jim helping me with a final message of hope. I was in the shower, angry, terribly sad and alone....but that story, if you haven't already heard it is for another time.  Many years of religious belief had in the past made me sensitive to listening to that voice inside.  Call it intuition, the Holy Spirit, God, Buddha whatever...I believe we all have access to our inner knowing.  We can all hear our higher selves talking.  It's whether or not we choose to hear it and then choose to acknowledge and follow that voice that makes the differences in our lives.  Belief in a higher, eternal place where our souls come from to spend time on earth as humans, is not a hard belief for me to have.  I've been in enough situations, in enough lightening storms on trail to believe that something, some higher someone has my back.

I spent many years in an evangelical, Christian belief system, Since that time, I've felt the need to reconcile some of my beliefs with what I now believe to be true.  Of the years, I have been angry, afraid and alone yet determined to follow my path and heart.  In some ways, I, also, left the comfort of a personal relationship with a person (although no longer a physical being, Christian belief is that Jesus is a transcended human who came to earth).   I have had a hard time with the word, God, as it brings a picture of an eternal being which is old, judgmental and cranky to my mind.

My problem over the past 18 years has been how to bring together those 2 parts of me.  I have many wonderful Christian friends who fear for my soul...that is ok and I am grateful for their love and concern. What I most want is to be able to feel love again...to not always be on the alert when that emotion touches my heart. I've read a book lately (thank you Maw-ee) and hung out with my friends over the last year a lot...thus having 'Christian beliefs' in front of my face all the time.  After reading this particular book...I had a revelation that really, Spirit has been with me all the time talking to me and this feels like a merging of past and present.  No, I am not back to believing what I did prior to my escape from normalcy 18 years ago but I do feel whole again.  I remember very distinctly a another time, many years ago, when a HUGE, LOUD voice in my head, for weeks, tried to get me to not go down a certain path.  I ignored it and thus have the best kids and grand kids and 'non related' family in the world, well, my world at least. 

Life is like a river, or a trail...there is an end goal which we know of but there are many ways to get there.  Staying in the main stream will get us there quickly but most of us take some side trails, some alternate channels on our journey.  Mine was a pretty big detour, I believe.  Today, I asked if somehow those two trails could merge again.  Do I still have time and the knowledge to do what I came here to do when I took the long way around?  Btw, I have NO regrets...I have enjoyed and loved my varied and rich life and I like who I've become because of all the decisions I have made.

I think I heard the answer. to that question.  I am who I am and nothing is ever denied me that is meant for me.  So yup, I think there is still time and in some ways this person (me) may be better prepared for these last miles up to Katahdin then before Jim died.  In my metaphor of life being like a trail, I've hiked thru all the states and am 10 miles away from my goal.  I've endured the rain of loss and grief, the joy of birth, life and love, the mud, slogging this last bit? 

We all have that choice...how will we manage today?  I know that what I've learned along the way, the fellow travelers I've met will, if allowed, help.  I have a little wisdom which when I feel like ending my hike, I remember...you are always better than you believe, you are wiser than you think, stronger than you ever imagined, greater than who you were yesterday.  So, let's engage those poles, go into overdrive and push to the top!  Are you with me?

Polar Vortex?!

Beautiful winter sunset in NE Ohio

While we were sitting inside worrying about the Polar Vortex and how that would impact our lives as we know it....I was wondering if I should venture outside to take pictures.  Would my camera freeze, would the lens fog up, would my fingers drop off like icicles falling from a roof?   I love the stark beauty encountered during freezes and snowy weather.  I've had wonderful opportunities to take pictures in the snow over the last six plus years living in Northeast Ohio.  It is part of its charm, the snowy winters. 

Ohio didn't get much snow but it was really cold

Truly it was too cold to venture into the outdoors.  Even my hardcore hiking friends were hunkered down in hotel rooms.   I bet the TV ratings for viewership skyrocketed.   My heart went out to friends and family far away who were suddenly without heat.  Others it turned out had feet of snow where my car normally is parked.  So, its all good and we've gotten through it.  On with normal activities.

Finding beauty in winter bushes

What I most love about winter photography is that one's focus shifts.  Yes, of course, there are fantastic vistas to be seen, sun shadowed mountains glittering with snow, the fog of frost floating around their sunlit crowns.  But I tend to look down.  I look to the minutia, the small things.  Tracks in the snow, buds hanging alone off dormant branches, color highlighted against the monotony of black and white.  I look for shadows, for clouds in the sky, some cool stuff has been found in melting pockets of snow within tree's roots.  Its all about finding life in frozen places.  

Looking into the 'heart' of winter

This has caused me to think about how life reflects nature.  How I often find the most inspiration amongst the frozen places of my heart.  When looking down into the depths in the melting places, that is where the color and creativity comes from.  For when the light of inspiration and acceptance shines on those places of pain and regret illuminating one's true self that is when the heart and soul warms.  I've found that when the integration of dark and light occurs within me and I am able to love and accept it ALL...well amazing results occur.

Indiana plains waiting for the spring

Consider this, that it is both the dark and the light, the shadow and the bright, the ying and yang of me that makes me who I am.  The path I've walked brought me through those experiences for a reason.  How can I reject then, who I've become?  Just like spring without winter, life without death, sun without clouds...I accept all that has gone forth in my life. 

Winter grasses where small animals slumber in silence 

Many of us who are outside people or gardeners know that this quiet time of nature's slumber is a time when we must remain vigilant.  We clean the gear, we clean the garden tools, we begin to plan for what is to come.   So, too, in the winter, I make the preparations inside to move into the new.  Another new year and so in reminding myself of these things I prepare for greater journeys. 

Trail in Snow, Tallmadge Meadows Metropark

Ending Thoughts 2013

My favorite time of the day is dusk.  The time when the sun goes down casting a rosy, orange glow across the horizon and the light from below is so bright it hurls itself into the blue and the colors merge into a vibrant rainbow of color.  The rose feathers into the blue and the edges blur.  The sky and world around look fuzzy like your favorite blanket.  The trees are solid shadows, black and sharp edged sticking into the sky.  Tree tops like a butch hair cut contrast black against the fading blue purple sky.  And as the light dims, sun sinking further around the corner of the world, the trees merge into the sky.  

The first star, probably not a star but a planet, shines alone in the sky until joined by other light beings.  Crowding the sky with sparkling radiance, the white light seems sharper the colder the night.  On very cold nights their brittle brilliance is a knife point of light cutting through the darkness. 

Yet on this cold early winter night, I think of endings, for it is the eve of the New Year.  It is the night when everyone all over the world waits for the new beginning, waits to rid themselves whether willingly or reluctantly of all that has traveled into the past.   It is the night when everyone gets to start over, gets a second chance, gets to do it all again and make it better.  Where possibilities for change hang like ripe fruit to be picked from the tree of tomorrow.

Yet, always questioning, I ask myself, is this really a wise practice?  Should I, actually, wait until the end to rid myself of that which lies in the distant past?  Should I carry each misstep, each disappointment, each reward, each hill climbed, and each success with me through a whole year?  Or should I let them go …let them float away on the tide of history?  These thoughts are ever present as I learn to live in the moment.  Something that has become important to me as I’ve aged.  

With all the things that have happened in my history, I’ve learned to value today for tomorrow is not a given.  One never knows how many days one has...so today is vitally important.  Today is all I have.  In fact, this moment as I type these letters is all I have and that which I’ve typed before…well those moments are in the past and thus are not NOW.  Yet, so much of what I learn, so much of how I grow as a human, comes from what I’ve learned in the past.  It truly is a conundrum with which I wrestle every day. 

I love living in the moment.  It feels right and true.  To not dwell on past hurts, pain, anguish, mistakes is freeing and means that I have to let go of the judgments not only that I make of others but of myself.   Everything, if allowed, teaches me how to walk my trail more authentically, more genuinely.  Everything, teaches me to be more ME.  This year, I know it sounds silly, but this year, this year of turning 60…well I’ve learned to forgive and accept and to value ME for who I am. It was a hard fought battle but ME won.  Yeah!

Am I perfectly me now?  Of course not.  Those of you who know me know this truly…and I thank you for your indulgence, love, patience and friendship.  My family, I hope both forgives me and loves me for who I am.  I have wisdom to bring….yet so much more to learn.

So, my dear ones, those of you on this trail with me, now….I love you all greatly and with all that at this moment I have to bring to you.  I will in this coming year, hopefully, become more of me so that I can be a more loving and selfless friend to you. For as I believe I deserve acceptance…I am more desirous of bringing you love and acceptance. Many thanks and in this moment...please turn to those whom you love and give them a big hug for indeed…you have this moment.   Cowabunga…into this New Year of 2014 we go!!!

Cold Wind, Warm Heart

Again due to issues on my part, this is a continuation of a thought from last year, 2012. 

There was more to my shower idea than just writing every day.  I had this crazy thought that since this is the time of Thanks-giving that maybe it would be a good thing for me to think about that very thing.  What was I thankful for in this past year of 2012?  Well, it was an unusual year.  

It started in January 2012 with a trip to Arkansas for a job interview which ended with me not getting the job.  I came to the realization that I had been gendered and aged out of that job from the minute I stepped off the plane.  This knowledge became huge and life-changing. 

 

A lovely recovery trip to Florida where walking the beach and shell collecting became the therapy to beat back the blues came later in January.  I can also recommend Paint-by-Number art therapy.

 It was a year of both the perceived ugly and the lovely bumping into each other back and forth, a tightrope walk of emotions.  But as the year progressed I mitigated the ugly with positive educational opportunities (Jennifer McLean's, Healing with the Masters) and readings designed to keep me from slipping into the dumpster.  This has helped. 

I have struggled with inspiration, often not writing at all.  It was the walks and my camera which were my eyes into the world of creativity linking me to the magic that is our world.  Other things happened, a trip to Colorado (awesome), gifts of love and kindness from friends, more hours at work and opportunities to do hard work, cleansing my soul with the dirt and birdsong. 

A realization gradually breaking upon me that all things really DO work for good ..that the path I've walked has made me who I am today.  Without the slurry of experiences whether perceived "good" or "bad" by me (at the time they occurred) I would not have walked the path I did.  Would not have felt the things I felt, not learned the lessons I've learned...just not been ME.  I would have been another ME...maybe one I didn't like...I definitely wouldn't have been here at this particular time, in this spot, writing.  I'd miss that.



So, for this new year of 2013, my wish, resolution, desire, whatever you want to call it will be to enjoy the journey more.  I'll try to be easier on myself and not judge situations as "good" or "bad" but will just try to let them BE.  To say more to myself, OH LOOK AT THAT....whatever is happening...isn't that interesting?  I'll shake my emotions up with dancing in joy, throw in some shower singing and let them bubble out in laughter.  Guess I'll also continue keepin' on keepin' on and in the light of each new sun find myself enjoying each moment.