A New Day

Originally, written after 8.15.18 and content added to it in May of 2020

So, for a long time I've been teetering on the edge of revelation.  Like a flower opens after a storm, that is what I've been asked to do, open to clear the way for new creativity.  In the past years since Jim died I've walked a path which has radically diverged from my norm.  My life took a turn that I'd not anticipated and requires a different approach.  Maybe you've noticed.  Maybe you've wondered what's up.  I think it's time to come clean and start sharing some of my truth.  Maybe you'll find it helpful, maybe you'll completely disagree, but I have to.  So, strap yourselves in, it's gonna be a bumpy ride maybe.  Life is just that, if we so choose to believe, or it can be a grand adventure full of interesting views and mountain tops full of sunshine and beauty.  You choose, it's your life.  In this time of great chaos and change, I wake up every day with gratitude and the hope that I choose the later.

Some days, I don't hit the mark and have to allow lots of emotions to just flow through me.  Some are from the ancient past and I wonder where the heck those beliefs/thoughts came from...they get saved for further examination and processing.  Most of the time I believe that right now, I have everything I need.  If I think I don't, then maybe I'd better adjust my perception of what it is I think I need.  I still struggle with writing.  I wonder why because my third book was just published this month. (8/18, yet I still until this spring of 2020 have fought with creativity)  It shouldn't be a problem right?  Sometimes, maybe the things we are the best at have to come from such a deep place that it's like giving birth...we have to struggle.  Keep trying, keep at it, don't give up, you can't know when  a miracle will pop out.

Books and mediation have kept me on track. If interested please ask me what has touched my life...I'll wax poetic about some books rare ability to heal and open the mind.  Currently, Wayne Dyer's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, a book about the Tao is holding space for my mind to catch up with it's life-changing message.  Three years ago it was a book about death by Mike Dooley, called, The Top Ten Things Dead People Want to Tell You, given to me by a dear friend, which helped me up my path.  However, what was most helpful was the voice in my head which talked to me.

Yeah,  I know right? What the heck was that all about.  Well, I believe it was Jim helping me with a final message of hope. I was in the shower, angry, terribly sad and alone....but that story, if you haven't already heard it is for another time.  Many years of religious belief had in the past made me sensitive to listening to that voice inside.  Call it intuition, the Holy Spirit, God, Buddha whatever...I believe we all have access to our inner knowing.  We can all hear our higher selves talking.  It's whether or not we choose to hear it and then choose to acknowledge and follow that voice that makes the differences in our lives.  Belief in a higher, eternal place where our souls come from to spend time on earth as humans, is not a hard belief for me to have.  I've been in enough situations, in enough lightening storms on trail to believe that something, some higher someone has my back.

I spent many years in an evangelical, Christian belief system, Since that time, I've felt the need to reconcile some of my beliefs with what I now believe to be true.  Of the years, I have been angry, afraid and alone yet determined to follow my path and heart.  In some ways, I, also, left the comfort of a personal relationship with a person (although no longer a physical being, Christian belief is that Jesus is a transcended human who came to earth).   I have had a hard time with the word, God, as it brings a picture of an eternal being which is old, judgmental and cranky to my mind.

My problem over the past 18 years has been how to bring together those 2 parts of me.  I have many wonderful Christian friends who fear for my soul...that is ok and I am grateful for their love and concern. What I most want is to be able to feel love again...to not always be on the alert when that emotion touches my heart. I've read a book lately (thank you Maw-ee) and hung out with my friends over the last year a lot...thus having 'Christian beliefs' in front of my face all the time.  After reading this particular book...I had a revelation that really, Spirit has been with me all the time talking to me and this feels like a merging of past and present.  No, I am not back to believing what I did prior to my escape from normalcy 18 years ago but I do feel whole again.  I remember very distinctly a another time, many years ago, when a HUGE, LOUD voice in my head, for weeks, tried to get me to not go down a certain path.  I ignored it and thus have the best kids and grand kids and 'non related' family in the world, well, my world at least. 

Life is like a river, or a trail...there is an end goal which we know of but there are many ways to get there.  Staying in the main stream will get us there quickly but most of us take some side trails, some alternate channels on our journey.  Mine was a pretty big detour, I believe.  Today, I asked if somehow those two trails could merge again.  Do I still have time and the knowledge to do what I came here to do when I took the long way around?  Btw, I have NO regrets...I have enjoyed and loved my varied and rich life and I like who I've become because of all the decisions I have made.

I think I heard the answer. to that question.  I am who I am and nothing is ever denied me that is meant for me.  So yup, I think there is still time and in some ways this person (me) may be better prepared for these last miles up to Katahdin then before Jim died.  In my metaphor of life being like a trail, I've hiked thru all the states and am 10 miles away from my goal.  I've endured the rain of loss and grief, the joy of birth, life and love, the mud, slogging this last bit? 

We all have that choice...how will we manage today?  I know that what I've learned along the way, the fellow travelers I've met will, if allowed, help.  I have a little wisdom which when I feel like ending my hike, I remember...you are always better than you believe, you are wiser than you think, stronger than you ever imagined, greater than who you were yesterday.  So, let's engage those poles, go into overdrive and push to the top!  Are you with me?

Return to the Blog pt 2

I am sorry to have never been back...I am still blogging over at VJHurstCreations.blogspot.  There is some good stuff over there.  New stuff about life and memories, new photos and new words.  Thanks for all the years of encouragement and support. Come join us!

Move back to the Future - Return to It's a Vera Thing Blog

It was suggested to me that "It's a Vera Thing" is much more creative name for my writing/photography blogging?  What does everyone think? I've had a hard time being inspired by the move to VJ Hurst Creations.  I mostly did it to appear more professional...  So, I am going to cross post my blogging to both places for a while.  Let's have some comments.

And thanks y'all for hanging in there with me.  If you did not hear, I will be featured artist of the month on my local coffeehouse's wall, Corner Cup Coffeehouse, Stow, Ohio in March of 2018.  Look for product by then!

Florida Bound

Last sunset in Florida - Payne's Prairie Wildlife area

It seems an odd time to blog about being Florida bound just as I am about to leave. When I start back to work on 3/9/17, it will have been 2 months that I've been traveling.  It has been a wonderful, delightful, fantastic journey full of new sights, sounds, memories, laughter and friends.  I've shed a few tears, lost some time just sitting watch water, sun, waves.  My car has more miles on it and is full of sand.  These are the benchmarks of living, in my humble opinion.

Sunset 

What have I learned from this journey is that life can be a wonderful adventure full of discovery.  My goal when I was planning it was that it was to be a time to remember the past, think about the future and experience the moment ...for that is all we truly have.

Kayaking with Beverly & Kathy - Fort DeSoto, FL

It was to be an experiment in mindfulness and learning to listen to my intuition.  What does Vera want, what does she find moving and inspirational, what motivates Vera to strive towards the light in each moment...to become a better human?  That may sound self-centered but I've spent most of my life doing things because it was what I thought I needed to do or was expected.  Also, my career was all about encouraging others to help themselves.  I muddled along never really thinking about "what do I want out of this life?".

Mass water attack - Trail Days 2017

So, in the next days or weeks, lets see what comes out...not writing for a couple of years has caused the creative pipes to fill with debris....it's time to flush the lines and get the thoughts and words flowing again.  Thanks to those who are still here waiting for more. I can't guarantee that it will be anything but honest ....something was left behind after Jim died, that part of me which was us is gone now and I have to figure out who I am now....I am going to strive to at write again and keep on doing what I feel will fulfill my mission.  What is my mission, you ask? Well, Fly free and finish what I came here to do...

First stop in Florida getting ready for the good times to roll - Torreya State Park

Much light and love to all...please be gentle with yourselves and LISTEN to what you have to say. to yourself.  Pick up a few good friends along the way and love unconditionally.  I've found that it is a much more interesting life if one does that....

Finally a Winter Wonderland

I've posted a new write up about winter and soup over on my other blog at:

http://vjhurstcreations.blogspot.com/

New Ventures

After Jim's death...it took me a while to recover, to be able to think again, to do anything but just motivate myself to get out of bed and move forward like I knew he would want me to do.  So, now today, it's been 8 months and I am moving forward again.

Thanks to the constant support of friends, I've renewed my efforts to continue to follow a path of creativity which has been so fulfilling in the past.  I've decided to discontinue writing on this blog and move my efforts over to a blog which bears the same name as my small business, VJ Hurst Creations.  So, if you've followed this blog in the past, Thank you...you've inspired me and your reading my blog regularly kept me wanting to write these last 8 months...something I was unable to do until November.   I am slowly working at getting back into it and my writing group's anthology is JUST about to be published on Amazon and CreateSpace!

So, please move on over to my new blog on blogger...it is located at vjhurstcreations.blogspot.com.  I just announced a brand new project...my 2016 Photo Wall Calendar which I think turned out very nicely.  Info about ordering is over there.  Slowly, it is getting going ..it has a new look and I hope a fresher feel to it to mirror my new life.

If you are on Facebook, please like my page VJ Hurst Creations and I hope to do more YouTube videos, so good luck finding me on that social media platform...if you do, please like my VJ Hurst Creations channel.

Jim, I think, would approve....

Vera

In Memorium: Jim Baruzzini - An Ending and a New Beginning

 

Jim in his new leather jacket hamming it up at home, April 2015.

About a month ago, something life-changing happened.  My partner, love, significant other, housemate, best friend of 13 years died suddenly.  This statement still takes my breath away.  How could such a vital, happy, loving man, father, friend, love of my life, pass so suddenly? One minute here and the next moment be but a memory, a last photo, a final phone call....it is beyond understanding.  I am reluctant to write of this but yet so many of us have or will experience this loss of a partner. 

Tree Swallows at Magee Marsh, Lake Erie Beach 2015.

Many things assure me that he is still here, in another form and in another place but yet still present.  I see him in the birds that fly....he knew I loved birds so when they startle up from the ground and fly free into the sky, I remember how much he loved being the 'fly guy' and relished the freedom and variety that flying somewhere gave him.  I feel him in the wind as it touches my face and reminds me of his hand on my cheek. In his presence, I always felt a deep sense of being at home and safe....he being a mixture of all the things I loved in a man, strong, supportive, a pain in the butt when I was being a pain in the butt, someone who would give me that 'look' when I needed to rethink something I was considering ..not in a judgmental way but just a are you sure look.  When I walk somewhere in the woods and breath in the sweet scent of the woods, feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the trees, he is with me ...in my memories of times we did these very things or just enjoyed life on our back porch.

Jim & Vera in 2002

He was someone who enjoyed that vital cup of coffee in the AM as much as I did and often brought me one as he was always up long before I was...we laughed a lot so when I see other's laughing I remember our private jokes gleaned from funny or irksome things we did ...we made them into jokes so that they wouldn't be bones of contention between us but reminders of the fact we all have aspects of our personality that our mates must accept ...the good always with the irritating...all made up the complete package...one without the other would a different person make.  So, often, I find myself remembering that we made each other laugh. How small a thing that seems but often was the glue that held us together.

Jim Contemplating

Contemplating things that we said to each other and words of wisdom he said to me...I realized that his quiet strength lay in his ability to "see" a person for who they were, accept them and then solve problems based on what he heard while trying to understand not respond.  This is a giant a-ha ...he learned this from years of introversion and customer service jobs where fixing a machine could safe a person's life. 

Jim with his smallest concern....how to hold on to Aiden as long as allowed.

He started at the simplest of places to solve a problem, "Is the machine plugged in" which reminds me to start at the smallest place and deal with issues/problems one at a time. He, also, trusted that he had the skills to deal with anything that came his way...he trusted himself to have the inner strength, wisdom, brains, combination of all those things to deal with whatever came his way...this certainty sometimes disturbed people who were less sure of themselves but he was able to figure out the trickiest of problems using this understanding of himself and patience.

Jim, Vera, friends, Matt & Anna at Harper's Ferry 2003

Confidence in one's abilities goes a long way towards keeping one calm in a difficult situations...panic starts from the basic feeling that WE cannot solve or handle ourselves in a crisis.  Another big a-ha for me ...realizing these things have helped me through this ...for I believe in myself...I have the skills and strength to get through this and emerge a 'better' nay stronger more understanding person.

Still lovin' every minute of it.

I think the most powerful truth which has come forward for me is this, that Love never shrinks but always expands.  When Jim died, I became a completely different person....I was alone.  I felt small, frightened. I spoke only of the obvious...my support person had gone leaving me homeless...because I could not speak of the deep...that the person I loved the most had left me suddenly and inexplicably and how in the world would I go on, what was my purpose, where would my path lead me now?  I wanted to shrink into myself until I realized that above truth...what/who we love always makes us bigger, always expands and to deny this would be a lie....so I chose to open my heart even wider and embrace all that is and was 'us'. 

Me now, still smilin' -  walkin' the journey thanks to supportive friends....Photo credit: J Andrew Davis Photography 2015

...and really, each new day we awaken to the fact that nothing is the same, I am not the same.  Life is fleeting and we cannot know the moments we have one with another.  So enjoy, do, be, live, love, do not accept mediocracy.  Be all that you are supposed to be embrace the unknown and the scary.  I do not know right now where or what I'll be doing so don't ask...:)  I do know that life is a great adventure and I will walk confidently forward.  Many thanks to all those who love and support me....without you, life would be a lot less interesting and definitely harder.  Please stay tuned.....