My favorite time of the day is dusk. The time when the sun goes down casting a rosy, orange glow across the horizon and the light from below is so bright it hurls itself into the blue and the colors merge into a vibrant rainbow of color. The rose feathers into the blue and the edges blur. The sky and world around look fuzzy like your favorite blanket. The trees are solid shadows, black and sharp edged sticking into the sky. Tree tops like a butch hair cut contrast black against the fading blue purple sky. And as the light dims, sun sinking further around the corner of the world, the trees merge into the sky.
The first star, probably not a star but a planet, shines alone in the sky until joined by other light beings. Crowding the sky with sparkling radiance, the white light seems sharper the colder the night. On very cold nights their brittle brilliance is a knife point of light cutting through the darkness.
Yet on this cold early winter night, I think of endings, for it is the eve of the New Year. It is the night when everyone all over the world waits for the new beginning, waits to rid themselves whether willingly or reluctantly of all that has traveled into the past. It is the night when everyone gets to start over, gets a second chance, gets to do it all again and make it better. Where possibilities for change hang like ripe fruit to be picked from the tree of tomorrow.
Yet, always questioning, I ask myself, is this really a wise practice? Should I, actually, wait until the end to rid myself of that which lies in the distant past? Should I carry each misstep, each disappointment, each reward, each hill climbed, and each success with me through a whole year? Or should I let them go …let them float away on the tide of history? These thoughts are ever present as I learn to live in the moment. Something that has become important to me as I’ve aged.
With all the things that have happened in my history, I’ve learned to value today for tomorrow is not a given. One never knows how many days one has...so today is vitally important. Today is all I have. In fact, this moment as I type these letters is all I have and that which I’ve typed before…well those moments are in the past and thus are not NOW. Yet, so much of what I learn, so much of how I grow as a human, comes from what I’ve learned in the past. It truly is a conundrum with which I wrestle every day.
I love living in the moment. It feels right and true. To not dwell on past hurts, pain, anguish, mistakes is freeing and means that I have to let go of the judgments not only that I make of others but of myself. Everything, if allowed, teaches me how to walk my trail more authentically, more genuinely. Everything, teaches me to be more ME. This year, I know it sounds silly, but this year, this year of turning 60…well I’ve learned to forgive and accept and to value ME for who I am. It was a hard fought battle but ME won. Yeah!
Am I perfectly me now? Of course not. Those of you who know me know this truly…and I thank you for your indulgence, love, patience and friendship. My family, I hope both forgives me and loves me for who I am. I have wisdom to bring….yet so much more to learn.
So, my dear ones, those of you on this trail with me, now….I love you all greatly and with all that at this moment I have to bring to you. I will in this coming year, hopefully, become more of me so that I can be a more loving and selfless friend to you. For as I believe I deserve acceptance…I am more desirous of bringing you love and acceptance. Many thanks and in this moment...please turn to those whom you love and give them a big hug for indeed…you have this moment. Cowabunga…into this New Year of 2014 we go!!!