Ending Thoughts 2013

My favorite time of the day is dusk.  The time when the sun goes down casting a rosy, orange glow across the horizon and the light from below is so bright it hurls itself into the blue and the colors merge into a vibrant rainbow of color.  The rose feathers into the blue and the edges blur.  The sky and world around look fuzzy like your favorite blanket.  The trees are solid shadows, black and sharp edged sticking into the sky.  Tree tops like a butch hair cut contrast black against the fading blue purple sky.  And as the light dims, sun sinking further around the corner of the world, the trees merge into the sky.  

The first star, probably not a star but a planet, shines alone in the sky until joined by other light beings.  Crowding the sky with sparkling radiance, the white light seems sharper the colder the night.  On very cold nights their brittle brilliance is a knife point of light cutting through the darkness. 

Yet on this cold early winter night, I think of endings, for it is the eve of the New Year.  It is the night when everyone all over the world waits for the new beginning, waits to rid themselves whether willingly or reluctantly of all that has traveled into the past.   It is the night when everyone gets to start over, gets a second chance, gets to do it all again and make it better.  Where possibilities for change hang like ripe fruit to be picked from the tree of tomorrow.

Yet, always questioning, I ask myself, is this really a wise practice?  Should I, actually, wait until the end to rid myself of that which lies in the distant past?  Should I carry each misstep, each disappointment, each reward, each hill climbed, and each success with me through a whole year?  Or should I let them go …let them float away on the tide of history?  These thoughts are ever present as I learn to live in the moment.  Something that has become important to me as I’ve aged.  

With all the things that have happened in my history, I’ve learned to value today for tomorrow is not a given.  One never knows how many days one has...so today is vitally important.  Today is all I have.  In fact, this moment as I type these letters is all I have and that which I’ve typed before…well those moments are in the past and thus are not NOW.  Yet, so much of what I learn, so much of how I grow as a human, comes from what I’ve learned in the past.  It truly is a conundrum with which I wrestle every day. 

I love living in the moment.  It feels right and true.  To not dwell on past hurts, pain, anguish, mistakes is freeing and means that I have to let go of the judgments not only that I make of others but of myself.   Everything, if allowed, teaches me how to walk my trail more authentically, more genuinely.  Everything, teaches me to be more ME.  This year, I know it sounds silly, but this year, this year of turning 60…well I’ve learned to forgive and accept and to value ME for who I am. It was a hard fought battle but ME won.  Yeah!

Am I perfectly me now?  Of course not.  Those of you who know me know this truly…and I thank you for your indulgence, love, patience and friendship.  My family, I hope both forgives me and loves me for who I am.  I have wisdom to bring….yet so much more to learn.

So, my dear ones, those of you on this trail with me, now….I love you all greatly and with all that at this moment I have to bring to you.  I will in this coming year, hopefully, become more of me so that I can be a more loving and selfless friend to you. For as I believe I deserve acceptance…I am more desirous of bringing you love and acceptance. Many thanks and in this moment...please turn to those whom you love and give them a big hug for indeed…you have this moment.   Cowabunga…into this New Year of 2014 we go!!!

The Faster I Go the Behind-er I Get!

Winter Weather - mid-September at Logan Pass

Time seems to pass much more quickly than I seem to be able to keep up with it.  Only a few days ago wasn't I in Montana?  In reality its been nearly 2 months since I came home  The weather there continues to be brutal …with snow and cold temps making the mountains more stunningly beautiful than seems possible. 

New Home on the Indiana Plains

October was a lovely month off and provided me with the opportunity to travel back and forth from Indiana and Ohio, transitioning from my past life in Ohio, to the new back in my home state of Indiana.  I had an opportunity to go to the Gathering in PA, do some hiking in OH and take a trip to Atlanta with a stop for 2 days in Great Smokey Mountain NP to hike.  Luckily, we stayed with some good friends, making this trip an outstanding time.

View of Gatlinburg

I was lucky enough to travel to GA with a 2013 AT Thru hiker so stopping to hike was a given.  After, spending a few days visiting with another hiking friend in Athens, we headed to Gatlinburg, TN to stay with good friends.

Juney Whank Falls

Trying to decide where to hike in GSMNP was challenging., there are just too many great choices. We, finally, decided to stop at Deep Creek and bag 3 waterfalls located very close together.  The weather started off marginally gloomy but turned sunny.  The late fall sun fell on us making the running creek sparkly with watery diamonds.  The leaves were scarlet, ochre, green, brown, gold…a panoply of colors, shades & hues highlighted by the sun made for awe inspiring scenery.

View from Overlook on Newfound Gap Road

On the way to our overnight accommodations, we stopped at several overlooks,bypassing the over crowded  Newfound Gap.   By this time, we were very tired.  Clouds piled up in the valleys, filling them with fog and muting the autumn colors.  The clouds hung with the possibility of snow and the west wind spoke to me of winter as it hit me in the face.  Looking out over the ridges to the southwest there was no sunset to be seen but the eerie light made for a spectacular view.

Baskin Creek Falls Trail

The following day we decided to hike a little traveled trail to another falls.  This trail rolled over 4 sun-filled miles. Traveling through the woods, I saw only 2 people on trail as I walked to the falls and back. The delightful golden orb shone above warming the leaves underneath my feet.  The subtle smell of fall leaves crunching underfoot drifted up reminding me of days long past.  It was hard to refuse the urge to gather large piles of them and bury myself in their earthiness.  This was such a special time of contemplation and peace, I’ve not had for many years.

Baskin Creek Falls

The falls were splendid and I paused there with 4 others to have a snack, feeling the good feeling that conquering a challenging climb down can bring.  I rock-hopped across the creek to sit on a large granite boulder engaging 2 guys in the only on trail conversation of the day.

Bear Scat - Source of Possible Noises

Despite being alone in the woods, I was far from alone.  Down the in the valley, bushes rustled and the noises followed me up the trail.  I smelled various smells as I walked, I wondered if I’d finally see a bear on trail having not seen a bear all summer while in Montana.. But I did not, I only saw a squirrel and exchanged a few whistled tunes with some Chickadees.

Me -  Enjoying a Beautiful Fall DA

What a wonderful time was given like a gift to me, it seemed from the universe.  This transition time between the moves was a great way to create some space between 2 vastly different worlds.   Montana  was like summer camp, a time of dreams come true.   Indiana is, however, like a time for being responsible.  It is home and I am happy to be with family.  The universe has so graciously provided me with all that I’ve asked for.  A place to live between both my girls, a job which pays enough for me to pay bills & be generous (tis wondrous).  It has been a bounteous time for which I am grateful.  So many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Indian Creek Falls

Moving on...

Today marks the last Sunday of my residency in Ohio.  I have loved you Ohio and you have loved me too.  And so for a time, we lived together you and I.  But now it is time for me to move on, out into the big world again.  I will remember you with love and friendship, Ohio.  

I came here by accident it may seem but in my belief system nothing in the universe works particularly randomly even if it seems to be.  Yet, even if my coming here was a random decision it was a good one.  Though it has not turned out to be an easy choice emotionally or financially, the things I've learned about myself, the confidence developed, the friends made will stay with me into the future.  Most of all, I've valued the pressure, can't explain it any other way, to continually discover and refine what and who I am.  The constant nudging to THINK about what is important to me to accomplish, to find my talents and pursue them and to leave all else by the wayside has been tough at times but mostly a comical head scratch.  My long-suffering family and friends who have chosen to ride the waves of life with me truly deserve a medal.  I cannot guarantee that the future will not hold challenges but Ohio, you have done your job and helped me along my path. 

I cannot speak of family/friends without becoming slightly misty eyed as they are the stuff of life.  I've made some good ones here, lifetime ones.  Kick me in the ass friends who when I was being silly would do just that.  Creative friends who have encouraged me to let my words shine brightly and friends who have been both.  Thank you.

So, these last few days will be bittersweet.  Thank you, Ohio, for sharing with me both your best and your worst. 

Yeah for Small Businesses!

Picture of Wildlife Babies display board at Nature Realm
while Metro Parks of Summit Co Naturalist

Many of you know about my search for employment up here in Northeast Ohio which has spanned the last 5 years.  Jobs have come, jobs have gone all improving my jack-of-all trades brand.  I have a lot of skills, I keep telling unbelievers and here is why I think I can say that. 

 In my life I have held the following positions:  Bird seed seller, Naturalist, Volunteer and Membership Manager, High-end Outdoor Gear sales person (canoes/kayaks/paddle boats, shoes, backpacks, paddles, outdoor apparel etc), caterer, janitor, babysitter, delivery truck scheduler, camp counselor, lifeguard, boating skills trainer, Outdoor & Environmental Program Manager (created, presented, evaluated all programs), Day & Resident Camp Administrator, volunteer editor, writer, Marketing professional, Administrative Asst to CEO of Major Company, Job Coach for MR/DD High School students....phew, ok these are all the jobs I can remember...think that is enough to have done in one lifetime?

Piliated Woodpecker outside Nature Realm Window

Yet in the current economic environment of NE Ohio, I seem to be under skilled or undervalued or perhaps, I am just too old.  I think that I am quickly becoming one of those people I used to look at and sigh saying, Oh they probably will never have a real job again.  Those words now have turned back on me.

 While hanging out at the Stow Community Job Club, I used to tell my friends that with the level of talent in the group we should be able to form a company and do anything, that we needed to start to "make it happen for ourselves".  Well, after nine months of looking, thousands of creative words penned into resumes and cover letters and lost, interviews, phone calls, learning Power Point 7 with nothing but dead ends and sorry, you weren't chosen, have a nice life ringing in my brain, I've finally decided to take my own advise and to make it happen for myself. 

  

Waterfront at Camp NaWaKwa where I was
Outdoor & Environmental Program Manager

The issue with this is that it takes lots of energy and generally money.  Two things that seem in short supply in my life right now.  So what is a woman to do then?  Maybe I'll break out and do something crazy, like hike 2100 miles, or perhaps leave everything and go babysit my grandbaby, or maybe even take off to New Mexico and hang out in the Taos Mountains knitting.  Sky's the limit I say.

  

Photo Credit: Greg Boone
Stacy, owner of Step Outdoors in CO



 I have the greatest admiration for those who have struck out on their own in these difficult economic times.  I cheer them on, I jump up and down when they succeed, I pat them on the back and give them a hand when they are downcast...mostly virtually since they are almost all far away.  The energy and effort it takes to market, do the work and plan ahead in a small business situation is extraordinary. 

So, in an effort to help some of my favorite people along the way, here's a list of fine independent business people.  Solid skills, good service and a smile is what you'll get when you visit these entrepreneurs.  Remember that if you do not visit the small, local, speciality business because they are a little more expensive, out of your way or its faster to do it online or at the local Megastore, the next time you need some good advice about organic gardening, why your hiking boots don't fit anymore or need a good book to read, or want to go outdoors with others, they might not be there.  I support the 3/50 project which means that each month I try to visit 3 local businesses and spend $50.  Small businesses are the backbone of the financial recovery.  Visit some of these folks why don't you? 



Photo Credit: Nervous Dog Coffee Bar
Stow, Ohio

 Many of these shops are local to me in Ohio, some are online and run by friends.  Please forgive me if I've forgotten you and send me a reply so I can link to your website.  All of the owners are everyday Americans just trying to get by.  I am sure you have many places in your town, in your neighborhood who you could support. 

Step Outdoors,                        Vertical Runner Hudson, OH       Dots Tavern, Damascus, VA
Elemental Horizons Packs          Nervous Dog Cafe, CF, OH        Mt Rogers Outfitters
Mocha Joes, Stow, OH              Lightheart Gear, Asheville        AntiGravity Gear
Appalachian Outfitters, OH        Learned Owl, Hudson, OH        
Katie Lehmkuhl, Massage Therapist, Indpls
Clark Fine Photography             Catalyst Homes & Investments, OK City       
 


Judy, Lightheart Gear
Dean of Clark Fine Photography



George "Tin Man" Andrews
Owner, Anti-Gravity Gear

 In the next weeks, in order to make it happen for myself I will try to add some more informational pages to this blog since I do know a thing or two about a couple of subjects.  I may even try to sell you some stuff like photographs or jewelry or maybe a handknit scarf in your favorite colors.  I have some antique Haviland china or a backpacking sleeping bag you might like to take off my hands.  I might even put on my ninja clothing and secret shop or maybe I'll just chuck it all and go hiking. So, as I attempt to launch myself into the air, free falling into the unknown, I know that I am in good company and that even if I fall flat on my face there will be someone there to give me a hand up.    

 

Left to Right
Owner Massage Therapy Business, Future Small Organic Farm owner, owner Catalyst Homes



  





Friends, Especially When They Show Up Unexpectedly, Rock

Photo Credit: Amy Forniash
Vera in Tom Hennessy
Original "hat"


   I've been trying to write an article about friends all week long and I just can't seem to get it done.  Everything I write arrives onto the page and either sounds maudlin or stilted.  The fact is, when I talk about my friends and what they mean to me I get all choked up.  I'm just totally the biggest fan of all my friends. 

I wasn't always this way.  In fact, its taken a long time to get me to a place where I even thought I had friends.  I knew a lot of people but didnt' really think that they thought too much of me.  Now, I'm giddy because over the last couple of years, the universe has wacked me over the head repeatedly proving to me over and over again that I had people who cared about me.  This was amazing to me but I also realized friendship comes with responsibility. 

Having friends means that I have to work harder to be the best me I can be.  I owe it to them.  They like ME and when I veer from my true path or personality, they let me know.  So I've learned to be true to myself and listen to the advice I give to others.  It most often applies to me too.

I tend to be kinder to people because when I hurt my friends feelings, they get quiet and lower their eyes and sometimes don't call me for a while.  When I hurt others, I hurt, so I try to make sure that while trying to be myself, I don't run over them with my opinions or demands. 

Friendship has made me a better person.  I'm far from perfect for sure but I do try to consider how my actions will affect those I love.  In the long run, this attitude spreads to others and I find that in my daily interactions I now see strangers as potential friends and treat them with kindness,   respect and consideration.  Being kind takes practice.

My friends are my biggest cheerleaders and from them I've learned to say things like Great Job or Oh, I'm sorry or WOW that is terrific! or Are you SURE you want to do that? 

 Being a friend means that you've got each other's back, that you become enthusiastic when friends attempt scary things that are good for them but drop guarded warnings whenthey're about to do something silly. Do I make mistakes, sure do and so I've learned to say, I'm sorry, too.

   

My friends live all over the United States, so, it isn't often that we are in the same place at the same time.  But when we are, there is a great amount of hugging, laughing, crying, big fish tale-like hiking story-telling and fun.  At the end, we sigh and wave good-bye and promise to get together more often or say, YES, we will hike with them in this or that month.  But truly, we all are aware of the fragility of life and my crowd of friends is aging. 

We've learned to value those special times of sharing.  We box them up, wrap them in bright paper and bold ribbons, store them on a prominent shelf in our minds so that we can get them out often to page through them.  We remember that friend's hearty laugh and how it just makes the room light up and all of us smile. We remember the confidences and the promises of support we've made.  As we wave good-bye, already we are planning the next get-together and counting the days until we see one another again.

At this most recent gathering, I had the  opportunity to meet several people who I think will become good friends.  Already, one who is traveling across country, has stopped to visit on his way west.  Another, just got a job after 3 months of unemployment.  Others are planning long hikes. 

Oh and I my lovely children have become good, good friends and  are in the midst of their own exciting changes like graduating from college, starting new enterprises and raising well, my lovely grandchildren.  I am, giddily, proud! 

  

So, when new people come into your life welcome them openly.  Let them blow into your life like a breeze through an open window, let them catch the dust laying in the corners of your life, move the curtains to and fro and stir things up.  When everything settles down again if you're like me you'll feel renewed, and want to climb mountains or stay up all night sharing thoughts.  Or maybe you'll just sit for a while and consider how great it is to be exactly who you are.    

A Beautiful Howling-Moon Night

Luckily, my driveway and house face east affording me a free and clear view of all orbs which rise in the east.  Tonight as I arrived in said drive, the full moon was up and had already sailed over the small tree line.  The night sky stretched clear and beautiful before me, a black velvet dress of a sky, an off-the-shoulder affair worn with a brilliant diamond necklace made of stars.  Howling-moon nights like this with a bite in the air, meaning it's about 32 degrees and chilling, are my favorite kind of backpacking weather.  Why you say?  Well, because on a night like this when out in the wild, I know I am fully alive. 

I set my tent in a clearing after hiking a PUD filled trail full of amazing views, cook my dinner over a backpacking stove while reviewing the days events with my hiking buddies, pee for the last time in hopes that I don't have to get out again and freeze my patootie off and then hit the sleeping bag before I can't feel my feet.  I like to put my boots in the bottom of my sleeping bag so that they aren't stiff and frozen in the morning.  As I snuggle into the fluffy softness of my 15 degree bag, I offer up a silent "thank-you" to the gear gods who design and make this lovely, lightweight backpacking gear which allows this cold-weenie to experience nights like this.  As I turn out my headlamp, I start the nightly ritual that we've developed over the years, I say into the darkness, "Good-night Debbie" and in a litany of laughing name-calling the group says good-night to each other until one of us ends saying what we all know ends this ritual, "Good-night John-boy". 

The night creeps in upon me and within minutes soft snoring starts but I remain awake enjoying the sounds which creep up next to my tent and sit there waiting to scare me like imaginary monsters in a closet.  Small scuffling, snuffling and noises of breaking leaves and twigs come from the edges of the clearing.  "What is out there", I think and while imagining what really COULD be out there, I fall asleep.

Later, deep into the full moon-howling night, I rise, exit my tent following the call of the wild, the need for a potty break.  It's about 25 degrees or colder, the frost dusts the tips of the bushes and paints the leaves on the forest floor with fairy dust and the moon makes it all sparkle with the colors of the rainbow, blinding me at times with the brilliance.  My breath floats before me where hot meets cold and everything is bathed in moon glow.  No one else is awake and it's freezing.   My fleece is all that protects me from the deep, clear cold and as I pull down the long underwear the icy air hits my nether parts.   Yikes!!  Oddly, enough pottying in the middle of the night is the best part of winter camping for the stark contrast between beauty and cold is mind-numbing, literally!  At this point, when done and returning my clothing to their proper place on my body, I stand, tilt my head back, stare into space and suck in the cold, cold reality of the immenseness of the universe.  I want to howl for the life within me.

And that is why on nights like this when I enter my safe, comfortable home, my wild side stays outside and sits on its haunches in the yard until the moon rises so high that it no longer reflects the colors of the rainbow off the hair on my head.  That is when I rise and walk, into the woods, into the wild, following the call of my self.