In Memorium: Jim Baruzzini - An Ending and a New Beginning

 

Jim in his new leather jacket hamming it up at home, April 2015.

About a month ago, something life-changing happened.  My partner, love, significant other, housemate, best friend of 13 years died suddenly.  This statement still takes my breath away.  How could such a vital, happy, loving man, father, friend, love of my life, pass so suddenly? One minute here and the next moment be but a memory, a last photo, a final phone call....it is beyond understanding.  I am reluctant to write of this but yet so many of us have or will experience this loss of a partner. 

Tree Swallows at Magee Marsh, Lake Erie Beach 2015.

Many things assure me that he is still here, in another form and in another place but yet still present.  I see him in the birds that fly....he knew I loved birds so when they startle up from the ground and fly free into the sky, I remember how much he loved being the 'fly guy' and relished the freedom and variety that flying somewhere gave him.  I feel him in the wind as it touches my face and reminds me of his hand on my cheek. In his presence, I always felt a deep sense of being at home and safe....he being a mixture of all the things I loved in a man, strong, supportive, a pain in the butt when I was being a pain in the butt, someone who would give me that 'look' when I needed to rethink something I was considering ..not in a judgmental way but just a are you sure look.  When I walk somewhere in the woods and breath in the sweet scent of the woods, feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the trees, he is with me ...in my memories of times we did these very things or just enjoyed life on our back porch.

Jim & Vera in 2002

He was someone who enjoyed that vital cup of coffee in the AM as much as I did and often brought me one as he was always up long before I was...we laughed a lot so when I see other's laughing I remember our private jokes gleaned from funny or irksome things we did ...we made them into jokes so that they wouldn't be bones of contention between us but reminders of the fact we all have aspects of our personality that our mates must accept ...the good always with the irritating...all made up the complete package...one without the other would a different person make.  So, often, I find myself remembering that we made each other laugh. How small a thing that seems but often was the glue that held us together.

Jim Contemplating

Contemplating things that we said to each other and words of wisdom he said to me...I realized that his quiet strength lay in his ability to "see" a person for who they were, accept them and then solve problems based on what he heard while trying to understand not respond.  This is a giant a-ha ...he learned this from years of introversion and customer service jobs where fixing a machine could safe a person's life. 

Jim with his smallest concern....how to hold on to Aiden as long as allowed.

He started at the simplest of places to solve a problem, "Is the machine plugged in" which reminds me to start at the smallest place and deal with issues/problems one at a time. He, also, trusted that he had the skills to deal with anything that came his way...he trusted himself to have the inner strength, wisdom, brains, combination of all those things to deal with whatever came his way...this certainty sometimes disturbed people who were less sure of themselves but he was able to figure out the trickiest of problems using this understanding of himself and patience.

Jim, Vera, friends, Matt & Anna at Harper's Ferry 2003

Confidence in one's abilities goes a long way towards keeping one calm in a difficult situations...panic starts from the basic feeling that WE cannot solve or handle ourselves in a crisis.  Another big a-ha for me ...realizing these things have helped me through this ...for I believe in myself...I have the skills and strength to get through this and emerge a 'better' nay stronger more understanding person.

Still lovin' every minute of it.

I think the most powerful truth which has come forward for me is this, that Love never shrinks but always expands.  When Jim died, I became a completely different person....I was alone.  I felt small, frightened. I spoke only of the obvious...my support person had gone leaving me homeless...because I could not speak of the deep...that the person I loved the most had left me suddenly and inexplicably and how in the world would I go on, what was my purpose, where would my path lead me now?  I wanted to shrink into myself until I realized that above truth...what/who we love always makes us bigger, always expands and to deny this would be a lie....so I chose to open my heart even wider and embrace all that is and was 'us'. 

Me now, still smilin' -  walkin' the journey thanks to supportive friends....Photo credit: J Andrew Davis Photography 2015

...and really, each new day we awaken to the fact that nothing is the same, I am not the same.  Life is fleeting and we cannot know the moments we have one with another.  So enjoy, do, be, live, love, do not accept mediocracy.  Be all that you are supposed to be embrace the unknown and the scary.  I do not know right now where or what I'll be doing so don't ask...:)  I do know that life is a great adventure and I will walk confidently forward.  Many thanks to all those who love and support me....without you, life would be a lot less interesting and definitely harder.  Please stay tuned.....

With a Bow to the Grateful Dead - It Really Has Been a Long, Strange Trip

It all started with a thought: "I want to spend some time in Florida in January".  It seemed innocent enough. Who wouldn't want to leave the frigid north land of Indiana/Ohio THIS January?  I sure did.

I'd made the decision, after being laid off from ANOTHER job, to just not work for anyone anymore. Realizing that, after all, I was the only one who really cared whether or not I ate...I decided to finally start my own small business.  Yup, just like that.  I'd had enough of sending out resume after resume. I was fed up with the waiting and the silence.  I'd had enough of shutting down businesses and working at jobs that were uninspiring and low paying.  I can hear you guys...I know you KNOW how I feel.  Having spent some years doing work that WAS inspiring, it was hard to accept that the world expected me to settle and sweep floors at a big box store where I do not even want to shop.

So, I gathered some ideas and headed south for a visit, little knowing that I was not going to be back home for two months.. During that time, I'd have some great experiences and meet a bunch of new people. I would visit with long-time friends and share a hot springs tub with new.  I'd see some beautiful sunsets , take some great pictures and cry a bit.  But then how can we know where we will end up when we first start down the trail.  The journey is just that, a journey with surprises around each bend.

Florida was cold yet sunny, windy and sometimes rainy.  I found the contrasts and levels of gray upon gray reflected in the sky, the beach, the birds to be mesmerizing.  There were a lot of birds...Cormorants, Red Headed Mergansers, Plovers, Sandpipers, Gulls, a life bird which I got no pictures of and now can't remember....but at that same place I saw a Common Loon which was cool.  The above bird is a Black-bellied Plover and it too, is a life bird!

During this time, I had an amazing experience with 2 dolphins  Both are regular visitors to the seawall by my friend's house and visit her often.  One late afternoon, I saw the fins breach about 20 feet off the wall...they were fishing.  They have developed a behavior where they will cruise out from the wall driving the fish ahead of them and then surge in to the seawall...or at least that is what I've told myself they do.

I believe they are probably some of the most sentient beings on the planet.  So, when I went out I just wanted to get a few photos of them out in the channel.  As I stood on the seawall, the larger of the two, approached and did a swim by.  "He" circled and came back for another pass, moved out into the channel, came back for another pass followed by the second dolphin, smaller and what I call the "female" but who knows.  After several more passes, he swam by the wall one more time turned, dove then came up blowing out his good-bye with his expulsion of air.  What a wonderful experience and as they swam away I raised my hand in good-bye as they swam towards the bigger water of Tampa Bay.

So, that was just the beginning of the trip which took me to Atlanta to weather the second, Icemageddon, to Northeast Georgia for the first couple of weeks of Thru-hiker season, to Amicolola Falls State Park for the AT Kick-off and then finally, ended with a trip over the mountains in a freakish snow storm, to Hot Springs where I spent several days visiting with good friends and enjoyed the hot springs for the first time.

And now, I am back in Northeast Ohio awaiting spring and the birth of grandchild number five. awaiting the entrance of a new life into this crazy, roller coaster ride we call life.  Bring it on...I can't wait!

Life...Its all about the Details

Looking west towards the restaurant

I sat in my usual seat, on a normal day, in a restaurant a mile down the road from where I work in Montana.  A mile being a close place to visit considering that the grocery is 30+ miles away.  We all have gotten to be friends, the waitress knows me as Vera and when I eat there it feels comfortable and familiar.  That's Montana for you...it really does feel like home.  But familiarity has nothing to do with the wonder that eating here brings.  I sit in this seat, my favorite chair at my favorite table because the hummingbirds are 4 feet away on the other side of a window.  Watching these guys flit about, bobbing and weaving, literally, dancing in the air is a joy I've never experienced before ...being so close to these aerial acrobats makes me feel incredibly connected to nature.

Female Rufous Hummingbird - not taken by me

The Rufous Hummingbird is all of about 3 inches long and according to Cornell is "one of the feistiest of all the Hummingbirds".  Its 3,900 mile trip from Canada to Mexico is a feat incomprehensible to me.  How is it such a small bird can make that journey twice in a year?  Beating its wings uses so much energy, its metabolism so high, that if it did not go into a state of almost suspended animation when it sleeps, it would die.  Lowering its heartbeat to almost nothing, it manages to survive each night.  Living on such a thin edge between survival and death to us would be so stressful, yet for the Rufous Hummingbird, nay all Hummingbirds, it is normal. 

There is a bee in there somewhere

I ponder the lessons this little bird brings to me as I watch it compete with a large black bee or wasp.  They are both after the nectar in the feeder; the bee staying underneath the feeder lapping up the sugar that has leaked from the feeder while the Hummingbird laps directly out of the feeder.  Both are seeking the same source of nourishment but from different spaces and are not really in each others way.  However, they feel threatened at certain times by each others presence enough to chase each other around for what seems like no reason to me and burning vital resources. Useless waste of energy, I think to myself.  What is amazing to me is that the Hummingbird is intimidated by this bee.  I guess the bird fears the sting also.   

Life living on the edge of a gravel pull off

So, the wisdom of the Hummingbird to me, is this: 

1) Life is short yet full of movement and flights of fancy
2) When you need to rest then do it completely, shut down and relax
3) Things that are smaller than you can be intimidating but if you dodge and weave enough or even distract it, you and others can get what you need
4) Sharing is good but sometimes you need to just stand your ground 
5)  Beauty comes even in the smallest of packages
6) Size doesn't matter when it comes to being strong.  What does matter is your attitude, your ability to endure, knowing where your resources are, waiting/resting at the right times and persevering, all are the keys to being strong and surviving the long haul
7) Refuel often and then remember where you found it because you'll need to revisit it again while on this journey
8) Shine like the sun, show off sometimes and fly with quick wings; remember you are beautiful
9) You're going to lose some friends along the way but you have to keep flying even through the disappointment and pain
10) Live like there is no tomorrow because life is short and full of danger; enjoy the moment 

Sometimes you don't make it

 Nature has so many lessons to teach us if we just stop and think about it.  Surrounded by the beauty of the natural world, I find that often I just take a picture to record the moment, instead of stopping to ponder my part in the whole.  I do not remember that I am a participant in the turning of the circle, thinking I can stand apart from it all.  The greatest moments of clarity, I've found, come when I find my true place amongst all the other animals.

Disclaimer:  Of course, I did not have my camera with, so I'll use a picture given to me by an amazing photographer of a Rufous Hummingbird.  This was one of our Hummingbirds at the Izaak earlier this summer.  The rest of the photos are mine, just a few of the amazing things I've seen this summer.



 

Moving on...

Today marks the last Sunday of my residency in Ohio.  I have loved you Ohio and you have loved me too.  And so for a time, we lived together you and I.  But now it is time for me to move on, out into the big world again.  I will remember you with love and friendship, Ohio.  

I came here by accident it may seem but in my belief system nothing in the universe works particularly randomly even if it seems to be.  Yet, even if my coming here was a random decision it was a good one.  Though it has not turned out to be an easy choice emotionally or financially, the things I've learned about myself, the confidence developed, the friends made will stay with me into the future.  Most of all, I've valued the pressure, can't explain it any other way, to continually discover and refine what and who I am.  The constant nudging to THINK about what is important to me to accomplish, to find my talents and pursue them and to leave all else by the wayside has been tough at times but mostly a comical head scratch.  My long-suffering family and friends who have chosen to ride the waves of life with me truly deserve a medal.  I cannot guarantee that the future will not hold challenges but Ohio, you have done your job and helped me along my path. 

I cannot speak of family/friends without becoming slightly misty eyed as they are the stuff of life.  I've made some good ones here, lifetime ones.  Kick me in the ass friends who when I was being silly would do just that.  Creative friends who have encouraged me to let my words shine brightly and friends who have been both.  Thank you.

So, these last few days will be bittersweet.  Thank you, Ohio, for sharing with me both your best and your worst.