In Memorium: Jim Baruzzini - An Ending and a New Beginning

 

Jim in his new leather jacket hamming it up at home, April 2015.

About a month ago, something life-changing happened.  My partner, love, significant other, housemate, best friend of 13 years died suddenly.  This statement still takes my breath away.  How could such a vital, happy, loving man, father, friend, love of my life, pass so suddenly? One minute here and the next moment be but a memory, a last photo, a final phone call....it is beyond understanding.  I am reluctant to write of this but yet so many of us have or will experience this loss of a partner. 

Tree Swallows at Magee Marsh, Lake Erie Beach 2015.

Many things assure me that he is still here, in another form and in another place but yet still present.  I see him in the birds that fly....he knew I loved birds so when they startle up from the ground and fly free into the sky, I remember how much he loved being the 'fly guy' and relished the freedom and variety that flying somewhere gave him.  I feel him in the wind as it touches my face and reminds me of his hand on my cheek. In his presence, I always felt a deep sense of being at home and safe....he being a mixture of all the things I loved in a man, strong, supportive, a pain in the butt when I was being a pain in the butt, someone who would give me that 'look' when I needed to rethink something I was considering ..not in a judgmental way but just a are you sure look.  When I walk somewhere in the woods and breath in the sweet scent of the woods, feel the sun on my face, hear the sounds of the trees, he is with me ...in my memories of times we did these very things or just enjoyed life on our back porch.

Jim & Vera in 2002

He was someone who enjoyed that vital cup of coffee in the AM as much as I did and often brought me one as he was always up long before I was...we laughed a lot so when I see other's laughing I remember our private jokes gleaned from funny or irksome things we did ...we made them into jokes so that they wouldn't be bones of contention between us but reminders of the fact we all have aspects of our personality that our mates must accept ...the good always with the irritating...all made up the complete package...one without the other would a different person make.  So, often, I find myself remembering that we made each other laugh. How small a thing that seems but often was the glue that held us together.

Jim Contemplating

Contemplating things that we said to each other and words of wisdom he said to me...I realized that his quiet strength lay in his ability to "see" a person for who they were, accept them and then solve problems based on what he heard while trying to understand not respond.  This is a giant a-ha ...he learned this from years of introversion and customer service jobs where fixing a machine could safe a person's life. 

Jim with his smallest concern....how to hold on to Aiden as long as allowed.

He started at the simplest of places to solve a problem, "Is the machine plugged in" which reminds me to start at the smallest place and deal with issues/problems one at a time. He, also, trusted that he had the skills to deal with anything that came his way...he trusted himself to have the inner strength, wisdom, brains, combination of all those things to deal with whatever came his way...this certainty sometimes disturbed people who were less sure of themselves but he was able to figure out the trickiest of problems using this understanding of himself and patience.

Jim, Vera, friends, Matt & Anna at Harper's Ferry 2003

Confidence in one's abilities goes a long way towards keeping one calm in a difficult situations...panic starts from the basic feeling that WE cannot solve or handle ourselves in a crisis.  Another big a-ha for me ...realizing these things have helped me through this ...for I believe in myself...I have the skills and strength to get through this and emerge a 'better' nay stronger more understanding person.

Still lovin' every minute of it.

I think the most powerful truth which has come forward for me is this, that Love never shrinks but always expands.  When Jim died, I became a completely different person....I was alone.  I felt small, frightened. I spoke only of the obvious...my support person had gone leaving me homeless...because I could not speak of the deep...that the person I loved the most had left me suddenly and inexplicably and how in the world would I go on, what was my purpose, where would my path lead me now?  I wanted to shrink into myself until I realized that above truth...what/who we love always makes us bigger, always expands and to deny this would be a lie....so I chose to open my heart even wider and embrace all that is and was 'us'. 

Me now, still smilin' -  walkin' the journey thanks to supportive friends....Photo credit: J Andrew Davis Photography 2015

...and really, each new day we awaken to the fact that nothing is the same, I am not the same.  Life is fleeting and we cannot know the moments we have one with another.  So enjoy, do, be, live, love, do not accept mediocracy.  Be all that you are supposed to be embrace the unknown and the scary.  I do not know right now where or what I'll be doing so don't ask...:)  I do know that life is a great adventure and I will walk confidently forward.  Many thanks to all those who love and support me....without you, life would be a lot less interesting and definitely harder.  Please stay tuned.....

It's All About the Little Things

Several weeks ago, I was traveling from Ohio back to Indiana.  It was a stunningly beautiful January day when I left Kent, Ohio.  It was one of those "sky is clear blue with tiny strands of white clouds hanging like lace curtains" days.  Exquisite travel day.  It was one of those days when if I had been hiking, I would have noticed details like bugs on leaves, tiny pine cones in the grass, how the sun forms rainbows on leaf dew.  I am sure you've had days like that. 

But I was driving.  Home.  I instead I turned my thoughts inward to family, friends, love and beauty and the timelessness of enjoying NOW.  The winter sun, absent or clouded in winter in NE Ohio shone brightly and warmed the interior of the car, it felt just like summer and oh how good this felt at this moment to have that warmth on my fingers clutching the wheel and on my face.  Soaking up the much need Vitamin D.  Welcoming that light in that moment, opened my heart.

As I was driving, I noticed small birds flying and ugly trash blowing across the road...the contrast of beauty and ugliness, reminders that living in the moment means accepting what we judge as good or bad and dealing with it without judgement because it is just THERE in that moment and like trash blowing across the road or birds flying across one's line of sight it will be gone in the next moment.  For me this brings freedom; freedom to not be burdened by little birds that fly into your life or trash that blows through.

At the end of the day, I was greeted by the most beautiful sunset I've seen in a long time. It capped off a day where I was thankful for the tiniest thing.  The colors of that sunset blended into the most spectacular colors, pinks, purples, dusty blues and yellows.  It filled my warm heart with such gratefulness.  I felt as if Mother Nature had painted that for me so that I'd remember for a long time that if you let things build up inside, if you spend your moments dwelling on the what ifs and what wills of life you miss the what is right there in front of yous. 

 And it is in these moments, the right now moments where inspiration and gratitude reside.  I love looking at the big picture but also that day was reminded of all the little pieces that build up to make that big picture.  If you walk too fast with your eyes all the way into the future, you miss the building blocks upon which that big picture rests.  

Polar Vortex?!

Beautiful winter sunset in NE Ohio

While we were sitting inside worrying about the Polar Vortex and how that would impact our lives as we know it....I was wondering if I should venture outside to take pictures.  Would my camera freeze, would the lens fog up, would my fingers drop off like icicles falling from a roof?   I love the stark beauty encountered during freezes and snowy weather.  I've had wonderful opportunities to take pictures in the snow over the last six plus years living in Northeast Ohio.  It is part of its charm, the snowy winters. 

Ohio didn't get much snow but it was really cold

Truly it was too cold to venture into the outdoors.  Even my hardcore hiking friends were hunkered down in hotel rooms.   I bet the TV ratings for viewership skyrocketed.   My heart went out to friends and family far away who were suddenly without heat.  Others it turned out had feet of snow where my car normally is parked.  So, its all good and we've gotten through it.  On with normal activities.

Finding beauty in winter bushes

What I most love about winter photography is that one's focus shifts.  Yes, of course, there are fantastic vistas to be seen, sun shadowed mountains glittering with snow, the fog of frost floating around their sunlit crowns.  But I tend to look down.  I look to the minutia, the small things.  Tracks in the snow, buds hanging alone off dormant branches, color highlighted against the monotony of black and white.  I look for shadows, for clouds in the sky, some cool stuff has been found in melting pockets of snow within tree's roots.  Its all about finding life in frozen places.  

Looking into the 'heart' of winter

This has caused me to think about how life reflects nature.  How I often find the most inspiration amongst the frozen places of my heart.  When looking down into the depths in the melting places, that is where the color and creativity comes from.  For when the light of inspiration and acceptance shines on those places of pain and regret illuminating one's true self that is when the heart and soul warms.  I've found that when the integration of dark and light occurs within me and I am able to love and accept it ALL...well amazing results occur.

Indiana plains waiting for the spring

Consider this, that it is both the dark and the light, the shadow and the bright, the ying and yang of me that makes me who I am.  The path I've walked brought me through those experiences for a reason.  How can I reject then, who I've become?  Just like spring without winter, life without death, sun without clouds...I accept all that has gone forth in my life. 

Winter grasses where small animals slumber in silence 

Many of us who are outside people or gardeners know that this quiet time of nature's slumber is a time when we must remain vigilant.  We clean the gear, we clean the garden tools, we begin to plan for what is to come.   So, too, in the winter, I make the preparations inside to move into the new.  Another new year and so in reminding myself of these things I prepare for greater journeys. 

Trail in Snow, Tallmadge Meadows Metropark

The End of the World

 

Sorry for the delay in posting but wanted to share my thoughts on "End of the World Day" anyway.

Mayans were very smart people.  They developed a calendar which went for thousands of years in a repeating cycle...a wheel within a wheel so to speak.  Today, 12-21-12, the winter solstice for 2012, was the end of that cyclical calendar.  Thousands of years of repetition ended TODAY...ok let me repeat that...their calendar which started in something like 3114 BC ENDED TODAY.  Evidently, 5000 years+ of predicting future events is all the Mayans could handle.  That's a long run.  Maybe something to be considered, maybe a small pause in our busy lives might be in order.

If I were to recap this past year, I would say that it was ruled by violence, disagreement, derision and divisiveness.  World peace didn't happen, in fact we find ourselves at this moment in time, staggering from not only international violence but crimes here at home that have made us reel in confusion and anger.  We all feel that things need to change but disagree vehemently how to bring about this needed change.  We cannot even seem to agree on what kind of change needs to occur. 

Snowflakes falling 12/21/12 - blanketing the world in white

Most people laughed and joked about the "end of the world as we know it" occurring today.  But we seem to have made it through the day without earthquakes or killer tornadoes.  Ohio is having a nice snowstorm, however.   Some people refer to the ending of what is astrologically known as the Piscean Age and the beginning of the Aquarian Age.  We all know about the Age of Aquarius from the popular song.  It is supposed to be an age of peace. love and unity.  In truth, I hope and believe that this would be not only a necessary shift but an extremely positive one.  A shift that, if we choose NOT to move into, will mean more death, dying and really, possibly the real END of the world as we know it.

In my humble opinion, our current path of self interest, self absorption and violent need to be right at other's expense, paired with complete disregard for others opinions or values is a toxic brew which will lead to world destruction.  If you take a look at what is happening just in the environment with money and greed driving business at the Earth's expense, it is easily seen that in just a few years we will tumble over an environmental cliff of no return.  

On this day (and into next year) can we find it in ourselves to step out of our own self into the BIG community of life here on earth and see what a lovely place this would be if we could all just get along...if we could all understand that this beautiful planet belongs to ALL OF US not just companies, individuals with lots of money and power ...if we could understand in our guts that once it is ruined, life will end...could this monumental realization then help us be less concerned about our own interests and more open to becoming part of the world community.  So, tomorrow lets argue a little less, make friends with someone who lives on the other side of the world from you and listen to what concerns them, heck listen to your neighbor without judgement or agenda and then put your OWN interests aside for theirs.  One act of kindness and understanding in this new age can create a mountain of change.  

Happy New Year/Age to all.

December 22, 2012 - Outside my front door, first real snow of winter

Kindness Can Mean Everything

(written about 6 weeks ago.....)
I recently read an article on the Daily Good blog about how "It is more important to be kind than being clever."  The blog's author related a story about how he made a clever comment to his grandmother when he was 10 years old.  He made her cry.  That was when his grandfather made this profound statement.  Read the whole article at http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=306 .

This article made me stop for a moment to ponder what it actually was saying.  Was it saying that in our business ventures we have become more concerned with money and getting ahead then thinking about how our actions affect our fellow man?  Does it say that every action has a consequence in some one's life and the ability to be really good or really bad? Or does it simply make the point that kindness should be the basis of everything we do and that you never know how profoundly you can make a difference with a single act?

I think it says all of those things.  I find it particularly telling when in a country where we are told constantly that things are REALLY bad, that big businesses are not prospering, that people are unemployed and it is becoming harder to get ahead in this world, where our 20 plus year old children with college educations can't find jobs and where mature workers sit idly by in minimum wage service jobs not valued for their knowledge or wisdom..that the prevailing attitude among many people I know is,  "Oh well, too bad, glad I'm not you!"

I often wonder where all the kindness and love went in this country supposedly built upon those very "Christian" principles.  

We are facing in our current elections this fall a stark difference in philosophical beliefs.  One party, despite what they may say in the next 6 weeks of campaigning is solidly a party of Christian's who believes that if you are poor, unemployed, old, physically or mentally challenged, desirous of an education at any age or enjoy the arts that well, it sucks to be you.  I spoke recently with a friend about the upcoming elections, he is a kind person, he is a Christian .  He agreed with me that if the Republican party wins in November that EVERY social support from NPR to Pell Grants, Dept of Education to support of the less fortunate would disappear.  I was excited yet sad that he would agree with me.  

On the other hand, our friends the Democrats have instituted the beginning of a Health Care plan that's major tenet was Health Care for Everyone because its too costly now. I think we can all agree that the pharmaceutical companies and health insurance industries are out of control.  I have no insurance and if I get sick...I cannot go to the doctor without incurring a $100 charge....for an office visit.  THAT is outrageous. A Z pack prescription costs $150 for this popular antibiotic...ridiculous!  Obama has also tried to save the biggest industry in America by giving it a hand when it needed it (kind eh?) and stopped banks from charging our kids double the interest on their Pell Grants. 

My point is that the Republicans seem to be a party of money grubbing, religious zealots without hearts who think that it is ok to prevaricate at every turn to get their way.  Democrats, on the other hand at least appear to want to try to solve some social issues in the only way it's been done in the past which it to make another plan and throw money at it.  At least they seem to be kind.  

So, I did not intend this to be a political treatise as I want this to be a kind blog, one that speaks about my journey and the things I've learned along the way. So...PLEASE forgive me this one digression. 

One thing I've learned is that it HURTS me when I find out that an action I've taken has hurt someone.  If I've been unkind or unloving, either from omission or commission, and it has trickled down, its ripples running out into people's lives ...then I feel badly and wonder how that ripple might have bumped people temporarily off their path or affected them, maybe even caused them to change their direction or intention.  A single word can totally change a person's life, 3 words,  I love you, are the best words to hear ever.

I've been the recipient of a lot of kindnesses.  This computer I am using now plus the 2 before were given to me without cost.  Some one's castoffs for sure but after some repair (thank you Jim,Jake,Roger & Robert!) they work/ed great.  What a wonderful gift! These friends didn't have to think about my needs or do a kind act but they did and those acts had a huge affect on my life!  There are many others who have acted kindly towards me providing a service, money or a summer job because they could.  They knew what a big deal it would be to me.  

What response have these acts elicited from me, have I, in return, demanded more kind acts?  Have I held tightly onto my good fortune and thought, "wow too bad for you that you are over there suffering, Ha ha, I've got stuff and you don't!" No, instead, kind acts breed kind acts and I have in turn tried to watch others carefully for signs of need so that I can extend support, looked at strangers with new eyes knowing how hard it is right now maybe there are things, actions, information that I have that I can give away which will help someone along their path.  I do not speak about this usually, as kindness multiplies, I think, when done in secret without demands.

There are a lot of good Republicans and Democrats out there, kind, generous, normal people who have worked hard to get where they are.  They've had lots of breaks along the way, things have probably pretty much gone swimmingly for them. But there are also out there a lot of good Democrats and Republicans who thought they had the American dream made then 2008 happened and they lost it all.  They did nothing wrong except in some cases be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  It was kind of like a tornado when it hits, one house stands another is blown away.  These fine folks didn't ask or deserve this but yet here they were up to their hips in muck they never dreamed of being in.  So, what ya gonna do about this situation? All our fighting and yelling at each other is neither kind nor conducive to problem solving.  

So, I don't have the answers to our national/international problems.  I do know what Jesus would do....he'd give that homeless person his coat without question and then walk with him that next mile....Would you?

Legacy Wishes

During the last several years while looking for a job, I've been challenged over and over again to think about what I want to do with my life.  I am asked, what work would inspire me to jump out of bed everyday excited to be alive.  A myriad of employment gurus encourage me to think about what my goals are for the next 2, 5, 10, 20 years...Heck, I'll be happy if I'm not in a rocker by then.  My goals right now are to get up everyday and do something positive.  I've categorically been unable to speak to what my driving passion is, what my life goals are, what do I want to do.  Refusing to box myself in with only one thing to do or be passionate about, I've kept my options open.  Life is exciting, there are many things which spark my curiosity, engage my mind and creativity which I would love to have the time to pursue. 

However, when a person recently asked me what legacy I would want to leave behind when I left this physical world...I paused.   This question caught my attention for whenever I think of my legacy my mind flies away into the upper stratosphere.  That is the place where perfection, pure thought and purpose hang out.  Of course, I want to leave a legacy, don't we all?  So, I started thinking.

I want to leave a legacy of love, good will, kindness, giving and gratitude.  As I float down from the cloud of hyperbole to more solid ground, my mind and gut say that when I "shake off this earthly mantle", I would like my friends and family at least to think kindly of me and smile, then laugh while reminiscing about things we've done together. My kids don't ask for much and they don't have much but the personalities they were born with and maybe my curiosity.  So, any legacy I leave, I'd like to have include money.  Hopefully, enough to give some to my kids, friends and to organizations I like which are doing good.  Enough to send the grand kids on journeys to find themselves and their passion in life and give them experiences that will help them become people of honor and empathy.  Maybe these journeys would be to college, maybe to Bangladesh...who knows.  Some too for fighting poverty, hunger and hatred.


 Mostly, I think I want to leave my grand kids, kids and friends the sure knowledge that their dreams are what drive them and if those dreams get subverted or ignored by the humdrum of everyday living, then they will never really be happy nor will they reach their true potential.  

  And with this in mind my brain floats up again to the stratosphere and thinks of all the millions of people experiencing want right now...I think of all that potential going to waste... I think how easy it would be to encourage and inspire them to greatness with a little kindness and hope and I wish heartily upon that first star on the right straight out past midnight that the universe will shower upon me a boatload of cash.  Why? Because I would leave a legacy of good in my path...as I slide into the darkness with a Margarita in one hand, Handel's ice cream cone in the other yelling...WHOOOO HOOOO look out eternity!!!.

Eulogy for Two Memorable Chicken Friends

Best Buddies - Miss Chickapea & Sheldon

They, of course, started out as two eggs...one brown and the other blue.  When they hatched, I assume they were cute, little and fuzzy like all chickens.  One was older and a female, the other a male came after the chickens had arrived at the farm.  I don't know exactly how they ended up as student farm chickens but fate brought them to Mary, a budding chicken whisperer.



Araucana Peep

 The female, of the Araucana breed, was not like the rest of the group of chickens that had been dropped off at the student farm...she was, well, interesting, alert, she liked people, she loved to be photographed and hugged.  Mary loved her knowing that as a farmer it is not a good idea to love your farm animals.  She couldn't help it.  Miss Chickapea, as the chicken was named, wouldn't let her think of her as just a 'normal, run 'o the mill chicken".  No sir, she was somethin' special.  Mary couldn't get away from her, she followed her everywhere begging to be loved.  So, Mary did.  Whenever Mary was at the farm Miss Chickapea had special allowances like being outside the pen, riding in her arms or being kissed.  She particularly liked that.  The other chickens clucked and fussed about being left inside the fence but like normal flock chickens they just ran around complaining, doing nothing to distinguish themselves.  They had to stay in the pen.

Jerry

The student farmers made a nice pen for them, covering it with bird netting to protect against predators and then put a solar electric fence up. Covering the pen with a tarp meant it was cooler in the run during the summer.  The students and Mary were good chicken farmers. They built a roosting box and got a proud, handsome, bold rooster...a Rhode Island Red, they named Jerry.  He was a good protector of his small flock of 10 or so chickens and strutted up and down watching his "girls". 

Soon, another chicken joined the group.  It was another male, who Mary named Sheldon.  He was a tiny, little thing, a Bantam Rhode Island Red.  He was a chicken with an attitude.  Like Miss Chickapea, he was unique.  He was small, he was feisty, he was proud of his black, green glossy tail feathers.  He was a cuddle bug. 

Proud Sheldon

He learned to sit on Mary's shoulder...well pretty much on anyone's shoulder or head until you made him get down. He liked to sit on my grand daughter, Kiah's head.  He was funny! He was an escape artist and once got out of the pen somehow.  He, finally, appeared again by flying from a tree which grew along the barn road.  Mary, was not amused.  But, like the big-hearted, tiny giant he was, he just went back to being happy-go-lucky Sheldon, like it was no big deal.

Miss Chickapea looking at the
camera instead of at who was talking.

Over the next year, Miss Chickapea and Sheldon became the stars of the Purdue Student farm showing up in PR videos and on media spots highlighting the great stuff that was going on at the farm.  Mary and a handful of like-minded students had taken on the Dean of Agriculture and worked with him to create this small farming program.  Sheldon and Miss Chickapea were outstanding examples of animals that could be used as PR reps and teaching props throughout the community...ambassadors for the farm.  Watch until the end, you'll see Mary and Miss Chickapea, Purdue Newsroom - Students experience agriculture, business, research at their farm and here is another example, Purdue Today - Student-run farm to offer learning, teaching, research opportunities .

Here is student farmer, Ashley, posing with Sheldon, http://www3.ag.purdue.edu/programs/studentfarm/Pages/students.aspx

Family visiting the Chickens before Graduation

They were more than just chickens...they were rock stars amongst Mary's family too as we ALL had to go visit them whenever we were there in Lafayette, IN.  We asked about them whenever we called.  Working their way into every one's heart, those two helped us to understand that life, intelligence and personality in ALL species are qualities unique and special to each individual and that when presented with a chance to really CONNECT personally with some animal (human or otherwise) it is always meaningful and special. 



Sheldon & Mary

It has taken me a while to write the ending to the story of Miss Chickapea and Sheldon because it has taken ME a while to process the fact that indeed their story ended both suddenly, terribly and too soon.  Also, I kept thinking that maybe, with time, Sheldon might reappear, flying out of his tree like before, shaking off the attack with his giant attitude that he housed in his little body.  Mary, of course would have scolded him for staying away so long while hugging and kissing him all over in relief.  But, alas, I believe that Sheldon too probably succumbed to the attack and is with us no more.



Chicken Love

Ok, by now you realize that something bad happened to our lovely, unique chicken friends and you are right.  Due to a cascading bunch of decisions brought on by an injury inflicted upon Miss Chickapea, they were attacked and killed by SOMETHING.  I believe it was the SOMETHING that took Bella, the duck away last year.  I think its a fox, feral cat or a loose dog that has decided to roam the farm looking for easy food.  After much thought, I believe it's the dog.



Woods beyond the chicken coop

For a few days, due to Jerry's behavior and some odd noises from the woods beyond the chicken pen, there was a tiny ray of hope that Sheldon might have survived.  His body was not found inside the cage like Miss Chickapea, just some feathers outside near the chicken coop.  I think, like Mary does, that Sheldon, with his fierce attitude and protective nature towards Miss Chickapea, was fatally injured protecting Miss Chickapea.  But, those of us that loved them will never know for sure what happened that night.  All we know is that they are no longer around to amuse us, to show us what life is like through a chicken's eyes, or reflect the eternal 'intelligence' that nature shows us everyday. 

Me - Out & About
photo credit: Jim Davis

And maybe I am exaggerating a little...I am a Naturalist, Environmental Educator and an organic gardener myself.  I know that humanizing animals is not a good thing...animals are not humans and have specific behaviors and intelligence within species.  Mary would be better able to tell you exactly how they affected her...but from the couple of times I met them and the happiness they brought my girl, I believe that there was something special going on there and only time will tell what lessons we learned from their short lives.  I bet if you'd had the opportunity to look into their wise eyes and seen the eternal wisdom contained there, you would understand.

Rest in peace, memorable chicken friends...you will be missed by many.